Defeated

This past weekend we went to visit my in laws in Michigan.  We love them so much and it is always a good time.  While we were there we celebrated my oldest son's 4th birthday.  My mom had made him these amazing motorcycle curtains for his big boy room that we are so excited about.  His room theme will be classic motorcycles, cars etc.  So to continue to theme, Bill and Cher got Carson this awesome motorcycle lamp.  As we were chatting, we decided to go ahead and order a fun comforter to match.  They really decked out his room for us.  I'm pretty sure we are more excited about it then Carson is:)..
My point is while I was on line looking for a comforter for Carson, I saw on ebay there was a really cute infant motorcycle quilt.  I perked up and mentioned it to Brian, but quickly remembered the situation, and very sadly found myself hesitating in buying him anything.  The joy of the celebration for Carson was quickly squashed for me with the thoughts of something happening to William.  I went back and forth in just audaciously assuming Liam will be fine to waiting "just in case"..  it was a horrible almost debilitating moment of fear and grief.
This past week was by far one of the worst/hardest since I have been married.  While we were in the waiting room waiting to have our ultrasound and in the doctors office, Brian's mom was texting Brian with the news that she was experiencing chest pains and was en route to the hospital.  She was released the next day to follow up on her primary care provider. In addition my niece was in the hospital for another surgery.  She was born with a very rare blood disorder that has caused many difficulties pertaining to her health.
It's been tough.  I feel like I have hardly been able to sort through feelings and facts regarding William while trying to process Brian's mothers hospital stay.  It has been challenging.  I had a brief moment of desperation in trying to process everything, feeling so trapped that I almost left for Indy to visit my bff, but that needed to go on hold because of our trip to Michigan this weekend followed by my 4 year old getting very ill.  I'm in desperate need of a break.
So I'm waiting for the rest of us to get sick since Carson has had the flu, however praying somehow it passes the rest of us by.  I feel somewhat defeated right now and very down.  I really hope we see some positive change in relating to a few close to us and working through the rest of where our life is.  None the less, we are blessed to have our children in addition to how much of a gift Brian and I are to each other. 
This is all I have for now.