prognosis update!

Yesterday we had an ultrasound and follow up appointment regarding William’s prognosis.  I was pretty anxious and nervous not sure what to expect.  It was fun to see Liam on the ultrasound and thankfully we saw a doctor in the practice that delivered Carson and that both Brian and I really like.  He said that even though William is breech (3 out of 3!), the cysts were gone and there was no other indication of any birth defects or problems leading our doctor to believe that Liam is perfectly healthy.  He said he was 99% certain that he was fine (a very audacious but assuring percentage) and that I should expect a normal pregnancy and healthy baby.  Basically, we are no more at risk for abnormalities then we were before we saw the cysts on his brain. 
We definitely shed a few tears of relief and joy yesterday.
In addition to the news about Liam, I was joking with this doctor about wishing he was delivering on the day I am scheduled to give birth to Liam.  Our doctor didn’t even ask us twice about why we didn’t want to other doctor (who is my LEAST fav in the practice.. if you are interested in reading Javier’s birth story as to why we do NOT like this other doctor click here) but asked when I was scheduled to deliver William, immediately called up his recep and changed his schedule for August to make sure he was the one in the delivery/operating room doing the job!  I couldn’t believe it and was so shocked!  He said he was honored that we asked him then gave me a HUG!  He was really great when he delivered Carson, calling him by name as they pulled him out and even letting Brian cut the cord with a c-section.  I think I teared up just with that news and I really hope it actually comes to fruition.  I was joking with Brian last night that it reminded me of the scene in “Knocked up” when the main characters decided on a doctor and the doctor guarantee’s them he will be there, claiming never takes vacations and is over committed to his job.  All the while, they scan his office with pictures of the doctor on various vacations with family and friends.  It’s funny if you haven’t seen it and in the end he isn’t there to deliver their baby. 
None the less, we are very relieved and excited.  We know so many have been praying for us and have been so supportive since we found out the news of Liam and we are privileged to be surrounded by everyone who has.  Thank you for all who have given encouraging words, phone calls etc.  I will say I am still a little more anxious to hold him in my arms, see and feel that he is healthy and strong, but I have 3 more months of his growing before that takes place.
Here is a pic from yesterday.  Liam is 2 weeks ahead of schedule in his development, is now in the 63 percentile of his growth and weighs 1 lb 9 oz.  When the tech first started the ultrasound, William was in the “frank” breech position, meaning his legs were strait up putting his feet by his ears by my rib cage.  He moved his legs down by the end of the ultrasound, but I was so glad she got a shot of his feet by his head because it was so cute.  When I was pregnant with Javier, and we knew he was breech, my doctor said she would put money that if I had 5 more babies, they would all be breech.  It’s so rare for a baby to stay breech to term (less than 3% I think), and the fact that every baby I carry is breech is an indication that something in my uterus or pelvis is preventing these guys from turning like they should… which is why I’m glad I didn’t let them manipulate either of my boys to try to get them to turn so I could deliver naturally, as badly as I wanted that.  I also have to get my RH- shot at my next appointment and assuming I passed my glucose test, hopefully I’m done with that as well.
Only about 3 months left to meet our baby boy.  As scared as I am on how I am going to manage 3 little boys, I’m so excited about my family.  I grew up in so much abuse, pain, neglect, brokenness and dysfunction, that this whole living in a peaceful home with my husband and children is a gift I never thought I would have.. ever.  This past year particularly has been such a year of healing and growth with my family relationships and my relationship with God/faith it has definitely changed my life. 

This experience has def taught me how to love others through difficult, similar circumstances, and for that I’m thankful.  I know I’ve mentioned it before, but we are aware that others have to deal with more difficult situations, and it is heartbreaking.  I don’t pretend to understand the pain, I’m so sad for them and pray that God will give them support, love, joy and knowledge that surpasses expectation. 
In a few weeks (on mother’s day weekend) we have a 3/4D ultrasound scheduled and I will definitely post pics of that.  Thank you again for loving us.  We will keep you posted as things progress!

ultrasound

Briefly..
Tomorrow at 2:30 I have an ultrasound scheduled to check on Liam's condition and further prognosis.  We will once again see his anatomy and pray everything looks good so that the cysts on his brain remain isolated which would be more conclusive to a normal birth. 
Also, they will be checking my placenta which at the last ultrasound was potentially on top of my cervix to make sure it has moved up as my uterus as expanded.  Honestly, the same thing happened with my other two boys and it grew up from my cervix to lead to a normal pregnancy.  I'm not so worried about that, however it would totally suck to be on bed rest for my 3rd trimester if it hasn't. 
In addition, I will have my glucose testing... and that is just yucky...
So it's a big day.  Please pray for Brian and I as we are excited to once again see our little William and pray he continues to grow as he should.

research

After Brian and I had a tearful discussion a few nights ago, we finally decided to share this blog with his extended family.  It was something we had to pray and work through as it would make our worries, concerns and fears so fresh again in addition to opening us up for criticism from anyone who could be offended by our sharing.   It’s been a hard to process the past few days.  If this is the first you have heard about our little William, at our 20 week ultrasound, he was diagnosed with having two Choroid Plexus Cysts on his brain.  The short of it is the cysts themselves are normally not harmful, but they are a soft marker to certain chromosome abnormalities ie Down Syndrome or Edwards Syndrome.   I gotta say, word travels fast.  In 48 hours, from sharing this with a hand full of people, I had over 400 hits on this blog which is crazy… and kind of leads to more anxiety for judgment.  Thankfully, we received some very encouraging emails or messages from his cousins and aunt.  I also have gotten so many others who have sent emails or notes of concern.  It’s been somewhat of a relief.  Thank you to those who have been so kind to us regarding the situation.  It’s refreshing to have a few “safe” places to voice our concerns and tears knowing we will be loved.  At this point, it is hardly a secret and since Brian's mom and other people we wanted to be the first to tell now know, we don’t care who knows. 
In my relationship with Brian, he is the data guy.  Whenever there is an ailment or health concern, he is all over the internet or reading books educating himself as much as possible.  Depending on the situation, I am less likely as I worry so much more… even if it’s about politics or the climate, I’ll lose sleep.  But since it has been all over the news that Rick Santorum’s daughter has Trisomy 18 (T18) or Edwards Syndrome, it really sparked my curiosity to read a little about it since I had never heard of it till I found out our son was at risk.  It’s horrible.  On every web site I looked at, CPC pictures and information was listed as a symptom of Edwards Syndrome.  In fact, it was associated more with T18 then Down syndrome, which to be honest would be a better situation then Edwards Syndrome. It was very discouraging and honestly I think I almost hyperventilated.  Also, I read that it is almost always standard practice that any ultrasound with a CPC diagnosis will immediately get a level 2 ultrasound, which our doctor didn’t order.  There has been one other woman that I know who’s son was diagnosed with CPC and had high level ultrasounds almost every 2 weeks in addition to other tests to ensure there was no other concern.  Our doctor isn’t hardly doing anything… it’s kind of frustrating.  The doctor in the practice I go to that I love is out on personal leave, so I have been seeing this other woman that is ok… but she hasn’t even had a baby so the credibility of her very black and white, legalistic view point kind of lacks a bed side manor in my opinion.  She even laughed at me discrediting my words when I mentioned I felt William’s flutters of movement in my first trimester telling me that it was just gas and I probably didn’t actual feel him move till well into my second trimester.  Not to be a total bitch, but this is my third baby, and I might not have a medical degree, but I know what it feels like when my baby’s kick, roll over and move in my body.  I wanted to walk out of the office and tell her to call me after she has given birth a few times, then we’ll do business…  Thankfully, she is leaving in May, so perhaps my favorite doctor will come back from leave or they will replace her with another woman who is just as great. 
Anyway, I have had a hard time with depression and anxiety for a while now.  Now I’m questioning how much I should be the annoying patient to push for further treatment.  In discussion last night, my very level headed husband asked what good it would do though.  Whether it did, did not confirm, or just left us with more questions regarding Liam’s prognosis, we still weren’t going to terminate his sweet life, which amazingly enough I have about 10 more days to do in the state of Ohio.  But I guess I just want to know.. which won’t change the concern, pain, how much I cry or most important, how much I love him. 
So if you are reading this for the first time, I hope us expressing our concerns is not offensive.  I admit I’m still leery about going around people who haven’t acknowledged they know wondering what they are thinking.  The entire situation is difficult and awkward.  I think I kind of liked it that no one hardly knew for a while because I feel like I don’t know how to respond now just as I think maybe others don’t know how to respond to me.  I think it’s easier to be a recluse and stay home with my boys because I don’t know how to process it all.  I also don’t want to cry in front of others so I don’t make them feel uncomfortable and well as myself, which I know I could happen. 
So this is where I’m at right now.  I don’t have much to say except I’m thankful for the friends and family who have been so great. 
I’m sure I’ll write again soon or at least after our next ultrasound.  If you are interested in reading our first blog regarding the diagnosis, click here.

day to day grind

I only have 2 more weeks till my next ultrasound.  I don’t have anything exciting to report, and we are anticipating the cysts will be gone (Lord willing) at the next ultrasound, if not by 32 weeks.  It will be a waiting game after that until William’s birth to know if there are any chromosomal abnormalities that I have discussing in my previous blogs. 

I seem to have moved on to the day to day grind.  I still don’t like being around people I don’t know or talking about my pregnancy with strangers as it is just a reminder there is something wrong.  I am very distracted though.  I felt like a piece of poo when I completely forgot about my 4 year olds Easter egg hunt at his school.  Thankful it was only the last 10 minutes of class and he was really scattered by candy all over the ground, so I don’t think he noticed. I feel overwhelmed so easy right now… and to be honest life hasn’t really been a walk in the park for many reason’s lately, Liam’s prognosis just being one of the difficult situations in life to deal with. 

Although there hasn’t this dramatic, crazy flow of strangers flocking to our emotional needs, God has been gracious in providing us with amazing friends that seem to have a compassion that has meet our expectations by far.  I still don’t feel completely ready to tell all those that are close to us as it is enough for us to handle let alone trying to help others understand the situation and help them work emotionally through what’s going on.  To some it might not seem like a big deal as they are working through other aches and pains that may appear worse, so I am content with the support that has rallied around us. 

Last Thursday some amazing women from my bible study got together to hang out.  These women are great and I feel privileged to be included in such a social outing.  Although I didn’t go searching for it, they spent some time at the end of the evening to pray for Brian, William and I.  I was grateful for these women, and for the others who have done the same prior to that evening. 

I think anyone who has given birth knows it is stressful to have to ask others to help when the baby comes.  Finding people that will love and care for my boys and help me through another C-section is challenging.  It’s hard to ask so much of others and we know we are not entitled in any way for people to help us for free or at all.  We have some friends and family who are wonderful and have even said they feel “honored” we would ask them to help us during such a time.  And we are also grateful for a few cute college girls we are close to who are willing move in with us to help us while I am in the hospital for 4 days.  The time before the delivery is going to be tense for us and we won’t know what to expect with William till he is here.  I still have 16+ weeks to go which seems like an eternity, but I know it will fly by. 

Next month, I’m hoping to have a college girlfriend of mine come over to talk to us a little about Down syndrome as her 18 month old son was diagnosed with in 24 hours of his birth.  She has been super supportive in offering emails and for us to call her.  Although we don’t know for sure if Liam has downs, it will be helpful to hear what she has to say and to meet her precious baby boy.  If anything, it will be a learning experience for us on how to better love those who have family or loved ones with down syndrome.  I will say, I am amazed at this woman’s humility.  In an email to us offering for her and her husband to come over to spend some time with us, she even suggested to keep her sweet son back as she did not want to make the situation uncomfortable or painful… I want to be that person who desires to serve and love that I could set my own needs for validation etc aside.  Of course we want them to bring him over and honestly I can’t wait to meet him and kiss his little cheeks. 

Thanks again for giving me the freedom to express my feelings freely on such a forum.  I know that people have gone through much worse in life, have had grief and pain that I cannot comprehend, and are still trying to recover and for that my heart aches for you.  My prayer is that others rally around you, love you and let you grieve as you need as people have been gracious to us in doing so. 
That’s all for today. 

Defeated

This past weekend we went to visit my in laws in Michigan.  We love them so much and it is always a good time.  While we were there we celebrated my oldest son's 4th birthday.  My mom had made him these amazing motorcycle curtains for his big boy room that we are so excited about.  His room theme will be classic motorcycles, cars etc.  So to continue to theme, Bill and Cher got Carson this awesome motorcycle lamp.  As we were chatting, we decided to go ahead and order a fun comforter to match.  They really decked out his room for us.  I'm pretty sure we are more excited about it then Carson is:)..
My point is while I was on line looking for a comforter for Carson, I saw on ebay there was a really cute infant motorcycle quilt.  I perked up and mentioned it to Brian, but quickly remembered the situation, and very sadly found myself hesitating in buying him anything.  The joy of the celebration for Carson was quickly squashed for me with the thoughts of something happening to William.  I went back and forth in just audaciously assuming Liam will be fine to waiting "just in case"..  it was a horrible almost debilitating moment of fear and grief.
This past week was by far one of the worst/hardest since I have been married.  While we were in the waiting room waiting to have our ultrasound and in the doctors office, Brian's mom was texting Brian with the news that she was experiencing chest pains and was en route to the hospital.  She was released the next day to follow up on her primary care provider. In addition my niece was in the hospital for another surgery.  She was born with a very rare blood disorder that has caused many difficulties pertaining to her health.
It's been tough.  I feel like I have hardly been able to sort through feelings and facts regarding William while trying to process Brian's mothers hospital stay.  It has been challenging.  I had a brief moment of desperation in trying to process everything, feeling so trapped that I almost left for Indy to visit my bff, but that needed to go on hold because of our trip to Michigan this weekend followed by my 4 year old getting very ill.  I'm in desperate need of a break.
So I'm waiting for the rest of us to get sick since Carson has had the flu, however praying somehow it passes the rest of us by.  I feel somewhat defeated right now and very down.  I really hope we see some positive change in relating to a few close to us and working through the rest of where our life is.  None the less, we are blessed to have our children in addition to how much of a gift Brian and I are to each other. 
This is all I have for now.