Above the fray

I’m so glad I started this little blog.  Brian and I have gotten so much encouragement from friends and are grateful.  The past few days we have been up and down about it.  We talk about the likely hood that our son will be fine, however can’t ignore the situation.  Whenever I say it out loud it sounds so alarming.. in fact I don’t even want to type it out because I hate dwelling on it, but then come back down to earth thinking about probability regarding the situation. 

When we decided to have a 3^rd baby, our doctor ran us through the ringer drawing graphs, writing out statistics and going over the possibilities of chromosomal abnormalities because of my age, so I feel like this put salt in an already fearful wound.  The two mom’s I know that have babies with Down syndrome are amazing and have offered support and even to come talk to us if we want.  They for sure know about the markers on infants to look for and would more than anyone would be able to educate us, give us a briefing of how to set our expectations and how to love our son if that would be the case.  It’s the waiting part that is hard.   

Last night when Brian and I were chatting a bit, we talked about the delivery for a few minutes.  I found myself fighting back the tears when I asked him to tell me as soon as he laid eyes on him if Liam is ok.  I know they might not be able to tell immediately, however I am anxious to hear him cry and for Brian to tell me he looks good.  I will not be able to hold him for at least the first 20-25 minutes or so because I have to have a c-section.  It will be a very long 20 minutes of life.

I think after we get through the initial grief of a squeaky clean pregnancy, and work through the fear of the “what if’s”, we will be able to go on as usual till he comes.  I still have 19 more weeks to go, so my guess is it will be all over the place.  Today when I went shopping with the boys, one of the shopping clerks asked me if I was having another boy and I said yes with a smile.  She then asked if we were hoping for a girl and I told her we didn’t care either way to which she replied, “it doesn’t matter as long as the baby is healthy..”  This kind woman has no idea who I am or where I am in my life, but was trying to make me feel validated in that brief moment of conversation.. but I waited till I got in the car with my boys to tear up.  How much I enjoy this pregnancy, my life, or find joy in the next 4 months (or longer), really depend on me.  I think so many people don’t know what to say, although the emails and phone calls we have received have been amazing.  But I am reminded every minute of my life of my son because of the physical evidence.  He moves and constantly reminds me he is there.  Not only that, but I am BIG!  It is very obvious that I am pregnant and most people are excited to share that.  I hate putting on a show or being fake, but after my short shopping excursion today, I have quickly realized that as much as a simple innocent comment my hurt, I don’t want to show animosity toward these people.  I need to rise above the fray in moments that I don’t even want to and limit my transparency to when it is appropriate… and I can’t believe I’m saying that being the most raw, “in your face” kind of person I know.  I don’t think I will always succeed, however I believe I can grow to find a steady, at least when I need to. 

My son has two cysts on his brain which could mean everything or nothing.  I hate this and will be happy when it is over. 

One of our good friend (who is a physician) pointed out yesterday that even though they are obligated, it stinks that the doctor told us because it is non value added information.  We had already communicated that we were not interested in doing any type of genetic testing or abortion, so the fact that they told us about this really gave unnecessary worry.  I’m not by any means discrediting our doctor because I know she is good and was doing what was obligated of her, but because we are not doing anything to confirm either way if there is a genetic birth defect with baby William, it’s really compromised the situation for us…ugh

So this is all I have for today.  I know there are people who have gone through much worse, and for that I am so sorry.  This experience is definitely educational in how I can better love others in the future.  Although every person is different with various emotional needs and expectations, this type of grief, worry and pain is in a category of its own. 

Thank you again for letting me vent my fears, grief and frustration.  This is also a place where my husband, Brian might choose to do the same.  Either way we will keep you posted on our little boys life and progress.